Following narcissistic Abuse... The fragility of the healing process

How do you feel while you make progress working on yourself? Your emotions have ebbs and flows understanding what happened and coming back to you is not linear.

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The flow of healing can sometimes feel like a terrifying roller coaster ride, sharp turns slow ups and terrifying downs unable to see the end as the speed downward increases, you might spend a lot of time with your stomach in your throat.

 All of these feelings can be evoked in you when you’re healing brought on by one person’s comment.

 A comment can really send you off on that emotional roller coaster ride. Whether the comment catches you off guard, or it has the same connotations and or words that the narcissist said time and time again. Perhaps there’s only one word that triggers your memory and you misperceive the statement and thus the situation.

I had this happen.

I was taking a class at the time and the exercise was on values, recognizing them within us, and what a person needed to do to strengthen and live by them, what you needed to do to recognize and help strengthen these in others to enable core values to be lived by on the daily, how to convey this as a leader.

Anyhow, there were a couple of items related to having fun to which I said were unavailable to me because of what was happening in the world at the time…COVID. I had failed to mention anything else or that I hadn’t really replaced those activities and was aware of that.

The reply from the other person, in front of 26 other people was that I was one of those people that must blame others for my shortcomings or misdeeds. Whoaw!! What did I just hear? I was so taken aback by what I heard I couldn’t reply, I froze.

It was like someone had just cut right through me.

In my head I was thinking out loud to myself; “you know I am not that person, I am the opposite, taking on everything, climbing out of the depths of hell and making a life”. I did not blame others, I was attempting to find out what I was missing, what was wrong with me and what did I need to fix.

This comment really took me off my axis and at this point in my healing that wasn’t really a hard or difficult thing to do. Narcissistic abuse deflates and devours any and all self esteem that you had, steals your confidence and changes how you perceive yourself, others and your environment.

Narcissistic abuse changes how and even if you react to others.

I had been putting in the work on myself and I did not see myself as a selfish person that used projection. I was so sensitive to this comment, to me it was like being accused of being the narcissist.  I do admit following this comment I had a chat with another student who’s comments I had reacted to with a knee jerk text, and I probably should not have, I should have calmed my nervous system first. This was the beginning of learning to clarify and make my needs and boundaries known.

This is a very trial and error time with the self and that is OK.

 This person and I have talked since, and we still do. Throughout the rest of the classes the professor continued to react to my very presence with angst. Oh well.

The knee jerk response in text to a classmate I can own. In retrospect we should be aware of our comments not only to others but to ourselves, to not point out, blame or make examples of unless we know unequivocally exactly where the other person is coming from. This might require more introspection and self awareness and following narcissistic abuse being able to do this is luxurious.

Giving yourself time to step back, just have that pause and take a deep breath to think about a response. This would ensure our comments are given in a way that are not cutting but come from a place that allows conversation, and growth on your part.

The highs and lows of the roller coaster becoming not as scary. Some of the highs and lows anticipated and controllable.

Healing is a long process; it takes a lifetime of daily practice to become your best self in this lifetime. Although I read somewhere that healing takes two years. I do not agree with this. I am at this time not far from that two-year mark and I can tell you I am nowhere near being healed. Chances are if you have been in a narcissistic relationship, you have deeper wounds from childhood, exacerbated by the narcissist. These need to be addressed in your healing process for your freedom moving forward in life. Everyone is different though you may be in your own house, you may still be living with the narcissist strategizing, saving and readying yourself to leave while reinventing yourself, knowing and learning yourself.  Just how easily is this done when others around you trigger and blame making old experiences new again?

Coming back from soul shattering depths can leave you more vulnerable than ever as you try to implement new coping skills, boundaries, values and beliefs into your life.

As I attempt to see if there would have been value in the professor’s statement (which I found to be very humiliating) for others I saw none, I did see a classmate snicker though. Part of self growth is being able to see behaviours in others that you would maybe have taken part in, in the past or perhaps you would have owned doing in the past. Another part of self growth is recognizing this, making amends with yourself and letting it go. Whilst thanking the present situation for giving you this opportunity.

Now did this need to happen this way?

I suppose it did. It took me a misdirected text, a directed text, writing out this story to fully understand in this situation how those three words “let it go” pertained to this and past events in my life.

Now not everyone is lucky enough to be wrongly thrown into freeze response by an off-centre comment in front of a group of others to come to self realizations about your reactions and where they come from. Sometimes you need to do more work like journalling, meditating, Epsom baths to cleans yourself, or any numerous other things that you find helpful to be introspective for healing and moving forward. Including being self reflective, celebrating the “glimmers” or the wins. Having patience with yourself knowing that this is a healing journey and not a race.

Just keep in mind should an event or a situation put you in a similar situation where you are uncomfortable, angered, embarrassed etc… this is your opportunity to get over yourself, in yourself and deal with yourself to move forward. Pause, take a deep breath and use this time to think about your best response, if not to another for yourself.

Healing is not easy. But it can be a little bit easier on the turns and the highs and lows not so scary on the road ahead if you can recognize and use these opportunities to your advantage, your healing and this gives you back control of you. Just keep doing you!

Take Care, Be Safe, and Find Your Happy!