Where are all of the forks?

When you notice items in the house are missing, or you think they are missing chances are they are missing.

It has to be here somewhere!

If you are noticing this the narcissist knows that things are missing, there’s a high probability that the narcissist knows where they are and have hidden them or thrown them out and truthfully, they may or may not remember where they put them.

The narcissist knows no boundaries.

They can, will and do go through everything. Partly because they have no boundaries, in another way they can be like a kid that just can’t contain themselves or adhere to boundaries, yet another part derived from their own insidious behaviours are fuelling their curiosities that are telling them you must be doing something or have something to hide, because they would be hiding something. 

They have an insatiable need to “know everything”. This comes about because they lie so much and feel that others are just like them doing the same things. They also look for whatever they think might be dirt on you and simply get rid of things you need or have said it’s your favourite etc... as if getting rid of an object would leave you heartbroken in the long run.

For instance, they may come across an innocent picture of you and some friends from years ago (this is just an example) from years ago and this triggers the “lights, camera, action” in their head. Also when your behaviour changes as does the love bombing this changes the picture of you. Thus, the picture of you that they had in their head has now changed, the movie of you is changed. They will interpret your life how they see fit this means your past, present and future. You see in the narcissists head you have changed, you really haven’t but the still picture that they had of you in their head can not change and when it does you must have hidden something or done something, and they need to find out what. You are no longer the “perfect person” you now must be doing something behind their back.

Narcissists hide things, sometimes it is things like a nail clipper simply because they do not want you to use it, but they forget where they put it. They may take your favourite t-shirt and hide it in a bag of garbage in the garage or the storage shed. However, prior to hiding anything you can be sure that they have gone through everything. There will be not one square inch untouched. Think of movie scenes in which they go through books, underwear, all of the items in the kitchen including a freezer. If you do not know exactly what you have prior to this happening, you will pay attention after. It is in their process of going through everything that odd items may start to go missing. You then may be on the brink of the many scavenger hunts for simple everyday items or wondering if your cutlery was left at work and remembering you did not take any as there is cutlery there. You may find an earring on the floor in the laundry room when you know you take yours out every night and put them in the same place. I’m sure that you get what I am saying.

By no means am I making light of this, for I have been through this, and it feels horrible like the epitome of violation. You feel shocked that your so-called partner or spouse could or would in fact do this. The trust, boundary or just the unwritten courtesy that you thought was there now rocked to it’s or I should say your core, as there really was none coming from the narcissist. You now feel invaded as you go through your things perhaps weeks, months or even a year later you notice once again that items have been gone through. Yes, they will even go through seasonal décor! This leaves you yet again struck with the same shock horror and disbelief, then you notice something is missing, an item you said you liked.

Nothing that you own, have out or packed is exempt from the narcissist. Day to day items will be taken and either hidden by them or just plain thrown out. I have experienced finding items such as coat hangers in a bag of garbage with a respirator mask that I needed for work that I was doing in the same bag. The narcissist forgot to throw it out, I threw it out but brought my mask inside and it hasn’t been touched since. Cutlery and the odd left-over containers go missing, jewellery. The narcissist as I said hides their things as well, usually things that they feel you should not have or see, they usually forget this though and end up buying several of the same things. In my house there are so many charger cords of varying lengths your head would spin.

Nothing marked private is exempt, EVER. So, what can you do about this? What can you learn from this moving forward? Well number 1 )you can not and will not change the insecurities that the narcissist has that drive this kind of behaviour.

2 ) yes this is real, yes it was unprovoked, yes you are left with the fall out. So, you might want to take this time to think about passwords that may have been found, credit cards and other personal passwords or information and make a list, then change everything. Pick your new cards up instead of getting them mailed to you. Keep private information such as passwords and documents outside of your house with a trusted friend or a safety deposit box or you may just need to get incredibly inventive. 3) You might find there are items that you don’t need anymore, can be donated or are just broken etc… This de-junking process can be a blessing in disguise from the narcissist in your life, it can and for most cases helps you to take inventory and is one step closer to moving on. As I went through everything, to actually put it away again I realized that I had been carrying “tangible baggage” that I did not need. I started selling some items and donated or just pitched others. This not only de-junked but gave me some extra cash and started my realization of what I had and what was important to me. 4) I had all those other feelings to deal with though after feeling so very violated. Like the unease, hypervigilance, feeling that I needed to hide everything moving forward that nothing in my life was private.

I don’t know about others that have had this happen, but in my house, it started out with small things looked at. The jewellery box, the box in the closet, the desk in the office, the closet, my purse. The worst of it happened after the devaluing, the rage reaction. I must say that it did open my eyes to just how much and what I needed to change while in the same house. I looked back at what I used to leave laying around, including my heart on my sleeve and started to discover what I needed to protect. Some of those things were my mind, (I was really beginning to wake up to the situation) and hopefully if this has happened to you are waking up as well.

My heart, my soul, my core, my future. I was not letting some insidious creature that could not be accountable for their self have any more of me or think they could period. If you feel that you have to hide everything that makes you, then this is the time to go in, submerse yourself in you. Find you and do not show you to this person again for you will be gone through, tossed and forgotten.

Take Care, Be Safe, and Find Your Happy!

-Cheryl