Do narcissists really sabotage themselves? Usually only if someone is paying attention!

This might sound bizarre, but it is not. The narcissist does sabotage themselves and in numerous ways. I have witnessed this and some of the most common ways that I have noticed are: If you let them talk, sometimes this talk turns into a grandstanding event which could last for hours. However, they will bury themselves, by this I mean they essentially tell on themselves. Yes, the more they talk the less they are able to control their ego. This is especially true if they have an audience. I have found that if you don’t interrupt, they will just keep talking, maybe become a little louder in tone of voice and sometimes throwing in some animation with hand gestures or pacing, perhaps a tinge of excitement in their voice. The story that they tell inevitably becomes laced with grandiosities as they continue to verbalize their stories.

You may have been the private audience too many times to count, however enough times to notice that the narcissist in fact can not and does not keep track of all of the lies that they tell, they may be recounting a same experience that they have talked about before, however the incident or experience is not fully remembered so it is fabricated. I find the narcissist tends to do this more so with his or her events the ones that do not involve anyone but themselves and perhaps someone on the periphery but never anyone close enough to blame for an adverse event if there had been one. There never is awareness, expansion or the hint of self growth in these speeches, just the same event re-fabricated to be exciting, emotion provoking or and usually always to put them in a good light. Eventually all of the narcissists will and do trip themselves up, they can’t help it but would never admit to falling flat on their faces or even being caught in a lie.

You may notice that in work meetings, or even discussions when a topic would be held over for discussion, or to be completed at a later date with yet another meeting. After the meeting the narcissist would then leave only to start a conversation with a co-worker about the meeting or perhaps even go home to start a conversation about said meeting. The conversation would be to gather everyone else’s thoughts and input about the meeting because the narcissists couldn’t be bothered to listen to anyone else. I’m sure someone has encountered this with a co-worker or even a spouse that has had the odd zoom meeting at home. You see the narcissist expects everything to be about them or to entertain them, work meetings can be and often are viewed as boring or insignificant to them minus coffee and perhaps office doughnuts. The more people that the narcissist talks to the more information they can take in. This information then is used to remember the basis of the said meeting and will inevitably bring about increased significance that the narcissist has now placed on themselves as being the biggest, best and the most significant person to go into the next meeting as they now own all of the ideas.

So, I think that you may have an idea of how this narcissistic/toxic person roles. As this person the narcissistic person goes into the next meeting. They are loud, perhaps cutting people off mid sentence should they perceive that person to have more importance placed on them, sometimes they are up out of their chair walking and posturing, complain, the tone of voice gets louder, and the conversation is highjacked so only the narcissists view (originally taken from everyone else that they brokered conversation with). However, if you listen carefully, you might just hear that some of the points I the conversation are a little off, or maybe you hear exactly the words that you had conveyed to the narcissist in conversation.

Following the narcissists hijacking the next meeting or the grandstanding event in your home. There never is any follow through, by the narcissist. Slowly the narcissist shows that there is no real substance, just grandstanding with conversation a person who can not be counted on to follow through with anything. Conversely nobody usually confronts the narcissist with a lie or that they had just used the words they had told them. The narcissist will deny that they lied and will blame another for giving them false information. The narcissist may in fact even make this persons work life difficult.

This is where a majority of narcissists get people that will placate them if they need to have ongoing contact, they will “fill in the blanks, or do the narcissists work”. Others become the flying monkeys agreeing that everything the narcissist said is truth no matter how skewed or if it was the same story as last week only recounted differently. Others though will just ignore the antics of the narcissist and try to keep themselves as far away from them as possible from the office toxicity. Often management see only the “good” that the narcissist is doing. Thusly making reporting the underhanded tactics used to intimidate and belittle in the office difficult to report. When they are, can be seen as tattling, or insignificant reports, even jealousy.

In my experience the narcissists need for attention, the need to be “the one” the need for admiration, to be heard, to be admired they will inevitably trip themselves up as the narcissist will not remember everything of what does not pertain to them, and the story will change. You will hear your words that no longer make sense. With this the narcissist might just turn to the following: projection, cutting people off, finding brand new focus, people walking away from the narcissist, becoming angry or pleading. What should maybe be happening is attention from afar or at arms length and only purposeful at that.

These behaviours are ingrained in the narcissist from a very young age, they are part of the fabric of their person and do not change. Therefore, if you are around the narcissist long enough you will see some of these cyclical behaviours, responses, and self preservation techniques. I bet you also see childish behaviours, you will always see how they’re not on topic, or go off the topic in short order attempting to make themselves heard and believed. They can become overly excitable, angered and having a hissy fit when one of their views is questioned or pointed out to be wrong. They can not accept this are usually always on guard to combat any of this being seen by others and will be quick to act. This shows imperfection, insecurity and inadequacy all parts of themselves that they absolutely can not show, this makes them vulnerable open to hurt and there is no way they can face this. It is rare that in public a down fall or trip up of the narcissist will be seen. However, in more intimate relationships these can be seen if you are looking or listening for the similarities, the stories that you have heard before.

The best thing to do for yourself is notice, take note and smile to yourself that you have indeed noticed this repetition with a twist of new lies each and every time the narcissist tells the story. If you need to keep track of these stories, eventually the truth will be told. I wouldn’t suggest that you point this out though, there would be nothing but backlash for you. Remember the narcissist can not handle being shown that they have insecurities, deficiencies and this is a decision made for them by them a long time ago. So is the narcissist even aware that as they spin their lies to stories or situations that they did not quite pay attention to in the first place that it perpetually changes as the narcissist puts more of their energy to their narrative. Probably not, this would be an awareness of a problem that they create for themselves and in the world of the narcissist this can not happen.

Take Care, Be Safe, and find your happy!

-Cheryl